Friday, October 1, 2010
2 months ago I was 10 weeks pregnant. It has hit me harder the last few days then it has in the last two months. On July 28th I lost my baby! I’m pretty sure it was a little girl. I had dreams about her almost every night. The same feeling I had when I was pregnant with Jaiden. I knew he was a boy and his face was so familiar to me the first time I saw him because I had dreamed about him so many times before. On Sept 28th I woke up full of heartache and I didn’t know why. I had been dreaming of my little unborn girl all night and I couldn’t stop the tears all the next day. I finally realized that I never properly grieved the loss I had experienced. I had a pretty difficult pregnancy. I had never felt so ill before in my life. So psychologically, there is a sense
of relief that the pain and discomfort has faded but yet a sickening feeling at the same time that the pain and discomfort has faded! I have never been so mad at myself before. I have never felt so betrayed by my own body. Feeling physically better is such a deceiving condition. I don’t want to feel better. I want to be sick, achy and super fat. As much as I am aware of my circumstances and knowing that having a second child (out of wedlock) wouldn’t be the easiest situation to handle, I will always love that unborn baby! She would have been absolutely beautiful. I know that God is taking care of her now. But, I still hate myself for not being able to give her a chance.. Poor Jaiden has been getting a little extra smothered lately. I thank God everyday that I have a healthy son. Goodnight.
Friday, September 24, 2010
I want to be a better person….I feel like I am a better person then my life reflects. However, I look deep into my life and it’s all confused, broken and torn up ready to start construction. I need a desperate change. I decided to start writing and reflecting thru blogging as a emotional outlet vs. what I have been doing. It’s defiantly cheaper then therapy. I feel if I send out my thoughts, goals, dreams, struggles and triumphs out into the universe it may open up a world for possibilities, advice and reflection. You never know! I will be 28 next month and I feel it’s time to grow up a little. Today I read a quote “Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil“ It’s amazing how simple that may sound, however….it’s true. I have been letting life happen to me for far too long and I ended up not recognizing myself or anything around me. I need direction and purpose. This life is too short to miss out on all the beauty it has to offer. I feel up and excited for this challenge to bring the light back into my world and I welcome all to jump on board with me and support me in this new journey I am starting. Thank you!