Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hello again

Its been a long while since I last visited the world of blogging. I first wanted to sit down and blog to clarify thoughts in my head and reveal the truth behind it all. Unfortunately I wasn't ready. I was very much clouded by circumstance. 6+ months later my entire world has flipped. New job, new home, new roommates, new car, new friends.....even a new haircut. Why do I feel the exact same way as I did? Can anyone relate to a time that everything around them changed but u still felt the same? At the end of the day your thoughts are your thoughts and u haven't figured anything out. On the outside your life looks put together and on the inside ur thoughts are confussed and clouded. I think the biggest step I needed to make was to clean out the extra complications in my life before I could figure out the rest. So, here I am again....6 months later! Gonna try it all again.
I always appreciate feed back and thoughts and I welcome everyone to be a part of my journey to find out who I am. But even if I was all alone this is a great tool for working out my thoughts.
Goal 1. Make Goals
Goal 2. Make the time for my own thoughts
Goal 3. Write thoughts down via blogging
Goal 4. Discover who I am
Day 1 down. The rest of my life to go.
Challenges come not to depress or get you down, but to master and to grow and to unfold your abilities. .....

Friday, October 1, 2010

My Angel

2 months ago I was 10 weeks pregnant. It has hit me harder the last few days then it has in the last two months. On July 28th I lost my baby! I’m pretty sure it was a little girl. I had dreams about her almost every night. The same feeling I had when I was pregnant with Jaiden. I knew he was a boy and his face was so familiar to me the first time I saw him because I had dreamed about him so many times before. On Sept 28th I woke up full of heartache and I didn’t know why. I had been dreaming of my little unborn girl all night and I couldn’t stop the tears all the next day. I finally realized that I never properly grieved the loss I had experienced. I had a pretty difficult pregnancy. I had never felt so ill before in my life. So psychologically, there is a sense
of relief that the pain and discomfort has faded but yet a sickening feeling at the same time that the pain and discomfort has faded! I have never been so mad at myself before. I have never felt so betrayed by my own body. Feeling physically better is such a deceiving condition. I don’t want to feel better.  I want to be sick, achy and super fat. As much as I am aware of my circumstances and knowing that having a second child (out of wedlock) wouldn’t be the easiest situation to handle, I will always love that unborn baby! She would have been absolutely beautiful. I know that God is taking care of her now. But, I still hate myself for not being able to give her a chance.. Poor Jaiden has been getting a little extra smothered lately. I thank God everyday that I have a healthy son. Goodnight.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I'm a Flower quickly fading!

I want to be a better person….I feel like I am a better person then my life reflects. However, I look deep into my life and it’s all confused, broken and torn up ready to start construction. I need a desperate change. I decided to start writing and reflecting thru blogging as a emotional outlet vs. what I have been doing. It’s defiantly cheaper then therapy. I feel if I send out my thoughts, goals, dreams, struggles and triumphs out into the universe it may open up a world for possibilities, advice and reflection. You never know! I will be 28 next month and I feel it’s time to grow up a little. Today I read a quote  “Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil“ It’s amazing how simple that may sound, however….it’s true. I have been letting life happen to me for far too long and I ended up not recognizing myself or anything around me. I need direction and purpose. This life is too short to miss out on all the beauty it has to offer. I feel up and excited for this challenge to bring the light back into my world and I welcome all to jump on board with me and support me in this new journey I am starting. Thank you!